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Sometimes I feel like a fool I get so scared so nervous so anxious to tell him like sometimes I wish that I could just be more social more open but it’s hard because when you miss someone and you want to tell them it’s hard because you don’t know what their gonna say especially depending on the relationship it’s hard because I don’t like being ignored , I don’t like overthinking stuff but that’s all I do. I wish we could change some stuff I wish We could fix our friendship sometimes I feel like I’m losing you sometimes I feel like we’re falling off sometimes I get scared because I feel like one day you’re not gonna be there and I don’t want it I don’t wanna think about it but that’s just what it feels like , it feel like some days when We don’t talk I see you is just like “talk to me” like in my head I’m just like please say something please talk to me even though I would be nervous and scared like please just say something I know he’s not like blowing me off he’s not thinking how Im thinking he’s not like you know like “oh my God I miss you” he doesn’t think that way you know…… you know what i mean its so different I like he doesnt know that i think that way he doesnt know that im like “ omgg hii i miss you” he doesnt know that, he can’t tell that and I’m not gonna tell him that because like I cant I’m scared it’s too hard it shouldn’t be that way but it is it should never be hard. You should ever be scared but it’s like this sometimes And I don’t like it I don’t wanna be scared to tell you but I’m just scared to tell you I don’t ever wanna lose you ,I don’t ever want to have to face that whether it is over something stupid or you pass away just I never want to have to never see you again if that makes sense

I’m so caught up on our history and our friendship background it is just like why would why would I want to lose that ? What he wanna lose that ?we both learned from each other I know that we both were there for each other some of that and I love him like a brother but I treat him like he something else but I treat him like he’s almost my boyfriend or you know something else….. so close like family but relationship wise we are nor family its just different and honestly I could say I’ve never felt like this with anyone else

He even told me that you can’t just say that I’m a different Nigga no I can’t say that you are different and I’m glad that you are. there guys who you had similarities with but wont ever be you so glad they’re not. I miss those days where It was every day now it’s every other day……. I wish please some days im like “omg talk to me and you dont and it makes me feel ashamed. I can’t blame you for that because I know what happened we both know what happened between the years we both don’t know what happened it is like you can’t just be mad because we both know and I wish we could change that I wish that we could go back and fix it but we cant. that’s the hard part knowing that you can’t go back and every day i sit and think about it like sheeesh can we have please have went and did something? I know its not just on me , it feels like its just on me but i know its not. Because he could have went and did something and I know he tried I know I can’t sit there and lie I know he tried I know he did and I was a fool at times but he was a fool too, we both had an impact on it, it’s just like why ? can we just please fix this please? Please ……. but Im scared that’s the only thing. If I wasn’t so scared I would’ve said something already. I just wish that we could actually talk face-to-face talk about it ….just fix it

At times i felt like i needed you to breathe. I didn’t wanna be here if you wasn’t with me. I always felt sad and alone when we didn’t speak but when we did i felt strange.

You said so many different things to me it was hard to catch up. At times it felt too good to be true and some was. It broke my heart that I felt like i needed you to survive. It really hurt.

I felt like i was no good for you and i still feel like im never gonna be good enough for you. When i seen you with someone else it just broke me in pieces.

I didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t the person you was with but there was nothing i could do about it. I wished that i could be “her” that lucky lady but idk. The way you treat her isn’t the way you should treat a woman.

You said this and that but how come you never showed it? I got so caught up with lies and fairytale type bullshit statements that i was soo blind to the reality. I was dreaming everyday we talked.

Nothing you said you truly meant, you said it because you knew i had a soft spot for you and you knew that you could get whatever you wanted from me with those words. It’s still hard to believe that you love me, I wonder sometimes if you even mean it.

It’s hard man, idk it’s just like why speak it if you ain’t gonna show that shit? All my life i never really felt “accepted” ot apart of this world and with you i did but it was like i was a decoy.

I was just there for you when she wasn’t and when she cane back to you i was nothing to you…. i feel sad because i never really gotten over you, i still think about you everyday.

I get upset when i see your posts… i made a bad habit of checking on you everyday , I made myself feel the absolute worst because that person wasn’t me and i didnt like that.

It killed me inside, you may know partial of it but i was never truly able to tell you how i felt. It was too hard, it made me feel guilty. Ive done and said many bad things I don’t feel proud about.

Im still learning and growing but i just wish you could understand my pain you and I both caused. It’s something about you I can’t erase its hard not to think about you. It’s gotten so bad i started dreaming about you, crying over you. My life shambled because i felt so empty without your “love” .

I know we weren’t meant to be and im not gonna force that shit. I understand you found someone that truly loves you and cares for you. I just wish that you would have seen that i was there for you also.

I only just miss my first love. He let me go to better his relationship with his long term girlfriend. He was my bestfriend, for 4 years and i would never think that he would just leave me for the dust but he did. I understand that as humans we have to make sacrifices and decisions that we don’t want to make but need to make. Letting me go was one of thise decisions he chose to make. I don’t know whether or not if he truly was waiting for this moment or he just did it because his girlfriend said so. I will never know how he feels about it or anything. I reached out to him and got ignored after i changed my number. I don’t know if he knows its me or not but he didn’t reply… he read it but never responded. He unfollowed me on everything besides snapchat. He knew I changed my number so maybe he assumed it was me who texted him which is why he didnt reply. But honestly i can only assume. I wish that we were still cool. Deep down i feel like we are but idk because he unfollowed me on everything so i just assume he doesn’t want anything to do with me. It really hurt my feelings but it was a choice he made because he had too… idk if he wanted to but thats another story. I wont reach out to him again because i know he hates me… it was crazy because just a week before that he said he loved me and that we were always going to be friends no matter what. We had this bond that i never had with anyone else and its all gone now. I wish that we could have still been close but its over now. I had a dream about him lastnight and its crazy because the night before that i said to myself “If i dream about him we’ll still cool” because i use to dream about him all the time. And i saw him in my dreams lastnight.. dreams don’t necessarily mean anything or can determine that but i hope deep down that he still loves and cares about me but we’ll never know…….