Itâs been a while since Iâve been on here….. Its been a rough month. My neice passed away in February 20, 2020 at 4:07pm. I never felt nothing worse than this. My whole lofe stopped, i stopped everything. I didnât know how to feel when I got the news. My heart felt like it stopped. Once the doctors came in and my momma told me, I bursted into tears. I still think about it everyday. I never thought i would have to see my neice in a casket. She looked so different, she felt different. She didnât have a smell, she was just there … âsleepingâ. I didnât know how to feel…still to this I donât. I miss her so much, i wish this shit never happened. I honestly donât even care if my life ended. Iâm that desperate to get rid of this pain. The funeral was harder than anything i had to face. I thought long and hard about going. But she was my first neice , my first child. She would be glad that i went. I praised danced with my 2 sisters and cousin. I was nervous but deep down I felt okay but it was for her. I was scared the first couple of days about dancing because itâs a funeral…. dancing at a funeral…. but I knew i had to do it. I touched her hand, arm and face. Her skin felt different. The last day i seen her was March 6, 2020 which was the day of her dove release. That day was a crazy ass day. I didnât cry that day because I felt like the funeral took all the tears i had. I literally was in shock and just felt.. dead idk. The dove release was beautiful, i never seen a dove before and it was so soft and white. She living in that dove. She was free.
DEAVUNTAEđ
No one ever realized how bad i was hurt. No one understood what i was feeling. Everyday i hated living and wanted to kill myself. I felt like i had no escape. I was lost in my own thoughts. I cried because no one accepted me and understood me. I prayed that things would get better. I know sometimes i say things that you probably wouldnât understand or get but they were cries for help. I was ignored for days, used for my money….. my heart was abused, my feelings was hurt. I told you how i felt and you ignored me. I told you there was something wrong with me and you thought i was crazy. I was sad for a long time. I thought you loved me, i really did. I thought you really wanted to be âbestfriendsâ . You broke my heart I didnât even know who i was mad at. I donât understand you, i never did. I was so afraid of you, i still am. The words you said to me was always sweet but deep down they hurt because you never meant them. You said you loved me but it was all lies. âDown for lifeâ you say but we ended like it was nothing. Now weâre nothing. You never really knew when you was hurting my feelings i was just so good at hiding it. You asked me was it directly at you and i told you no because i knew you would hate me and never wanna speak to me again. You made me feel the worst without knowing it. I was so scared to tell you my feelings even though you knew i liked you.. i loved you alot. You made me suicidal. I did think about killing myself sometimes because i knew that no one would ever care if i did. Not even my own family, not even you. As of today we are no longer speaking and you donât care about me but i want you to know that you were never a ârealâ man…. you said this and that but just left me broken. You used me for my money, my nudes, my heart my everything.. idk how to feel towards you. You unfollowed me on everything just to watch me on Snapchat and ignore my messages. I asked you why and you didnât say anything. If you felt some type of way towards me , you should have said something… but thats your problem, you dont like communication. You never say what you need to. You just let me fall into your trap … and that girl .. sheâs fucking stupid … i hope you donât last, not because of jealousy but because you donât deserve her. I know what happened between us but i wouldnât doubt her… I wouldnât judge cause i was once that girl except you didnt love me back. You lied. Your so good at that shit, so good at making me feel vulnerable. I wonât blame you for everything but you made me feel everything.. every bad feeling. I felt dead most of the days. I wanted your attention but like i was dead and felt nothing. My heart was gone. My mind was filled with suicidal thoughts and how i could escape this… escape you . I was in love with you for 4 years. I even said i was gonna marry you because i felt like we weâre meant to be. I was 14 and so fucking dumb. I had so many dreams about you and they were always weird. I never understood them. If I would have known that you was gonna pull that shit i would have done everything you asked me too .. I would have kissed you and had sex with you. I would have gave you my whole body but im glad i didnt cause then i would for sure have pulled the trigger. You are my trigger. My worries, my pain. You left me alone for a girl that was just as vulnerable as me… but you treat her better because you love her. I canât judge but im glad you found someone who gives you the joy I didnt. You didnt like my shyness I guess it was a burden for you. A burden that you just couldnât seem to get it to go away. Thats because you never genuinely wanted anything with me besides my body and i knew that but i still gave into it. If you really wanted me maybe i would have been less shy but I wasnât because i knew deep down you was a fraud. I hate that we donât speak anymore but the shit you did to me was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I donât think Iâll ever stop loving you, i tried to stop thinking about you but you never go away. The pain never goes away…. nothing does
June 9, 2019
We probably wonât ever speak again. No love lost we just went separate ways. I never quite understood it. I guess life moves on and things change. I go back in my mind i think âwhy couldnt we have just talked about?â.
This could have been easily avoided and its crazy cause this is something so small that ruined a perfectly good relationship. If it ainât broken dont fix it right? Im sorry it happened but Iâm not sorry for what i said.
It was so deep and so traumatizing I wasnât looking forward for that day. We donât speak anymore and if we did youâd probably wonât have anything to say. I donât feel this as the end maybe just a break.
But God why does have to be this wayđŠ? I never felt so different and empty without one. I guess its cause my feelings for you was deeper than the ones i had for anyone else.
I know you dont care about me anymore or love me anymore but could u just liste to what i have to say? Its sooo crazy i never knew it would end this wayđ¤Śđžââď¸ and it hurts cause the last time we spoke we was so happy man such a good ass day and then let something so snall ruin it.
If you really loved me you would come back. If not then i got my answer .
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