undefined writer 🖤

I dream. I dream alot. I dream of being happy and peaceful, I dream of being in a better place. I dream that I can be in my own world, doing my own thing, having it my way. I dream of escaping this trap I’m in. I dream of being free. I dream to not be afraid anymore, to have a purpose for living, a reason to be happy everyday. I dream of being loved properly, being someone’s dream girl. I dream that he would understand and love me unconditionally. He would always be there for me even when I can’t be there for myself. He wouldn’t hurt me, or make me afraid of him . I dream that I have a family that understands and supports . A family that would be there when I need to rebuild myself. A family that cares. I dream of less hurt. I dream of less disappointments. I dream of more understanding……

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog. It’s been alot going on. Since the last post, I’ve gotten 2 new jobs. I worked at nursing home and now I’m working at Memorial Hermann. I started stressing about things at home, and it became a burden on me but I’m still trying to control it. I started talking to someone while also trying to get rid of another. I’m in a better place now than I was before getting over him. It’s been weird. Life has been very weird and people have for sure showm their true colors. It’s like people will do anything for money & attention. But I’ve let the negative people go. I feel like some people only talk to you because they want something and that’s the only reason why me and some people are even “friends”. They just want things , they never wanted to be genuinely friends. But those people I always avoid. I dont even open their messages anymore. I started thinking alot about just my future and where I would be years from now. My future has been on my mind the most during this whole journey. I feel like if I cant make it to where I wanna be than I dont want a future at all. Sad to say, But if I dont make it through my goals then whats the point of even continuing? I dont wanna be lost and stuck doing something that I dont like or not being able to support myself. If you really want something you have to be serious about it and pray about it. And when you pray you have to serious.. it has to be something your really serious about because when you ask God for something he for sure is going to give it you. I just really hope that I make it far and do the things I’ve always to do. I feel so behind, even though I’m young I just feel like I could have been farther than I am. I think I can do it if I stop interacting with men and stay focused on myself. I have learned about men this yeat and they honestly are demons. Not all, but I need to keep my distance because all year I’ve been disappointed with them all. I dont remember the last time I even felt like I meant something deep to one. It’s sad. But as of today, I’m worried and scared. Im worried about my family and things going on at home. I’m worried and scared for the future. Im scared because I dont want anything bad to happen and with everything going on its like you never know whats gonna happen next. I wish I could understand things sometimes and why everything is like this. I wish I could stop worrying about it and distract myself but no matter how hard I try , I just cant. Every my mind thinks about it and I just panick because I get so scared of the future idk. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to but I dont. I’m embarrassed. The only good thing is the nightmares have stopped. I’ve been having better dreams , I’m glad but in real life I’m still panicking and overthinking. I hope everything goes well and has a good outcome but who knows.

Life has been long. It’s been a long quarantine, a long year. I don’t even know where to start. It’s been so much going on. Since the last post, I’ve lost my job, been in and out of a bad relationship… don’t worry we’re done officially, I lost friends and gained some. I’ve been having mixed emotions, some suicidal emotions, some happy idk it’s alot. I didn’t finish college, but I’m planning to go back in August. I got a new house, It’s nice and quiet here but boring. I’ve learned alot about myself and others. I got a urinary tract infection…..long story. I’ve had a ton of bad dreams . I also had a pregnancy scare. It’s just been a roller coaster. As of today, It’s been a ton of weight off my shoulders, life has advanced. I’m not “happy” but I do feel good and grateful. I feel better but bored if that makes sense. I feel free. I don’t have much weight on my shoulders besides my future that I’m constantly thinking about. I forgot to say, I got 5 tattoos in a month. I love tattoos btw. I got a new phone, also which is irrelevant but I mean😂😂. I feel like the pain and anger that I felt during quarantine is finally gone. I still sometimes feel trapped but I think it’s because im just constantly worried about the future and never focusing on the present. I think about my life alot and where I’ll be years from now. I want to finish college and get my associates degree. I want to be able to be successful and happy. I want to be single and happy. I want good friends that make me feel good and appreciated around them. Quarantine made me realize alot of things and made me feel some of the worst feelings but also I got to spend time with my family and being around them which sometimes I feel appreciated. I guess I needed that. I feel like it was probably one of the hardest things I had to face because there was no escape, It was constant fear of whats gonna happen next and battles with myself. But as of today, I feel better. I feel like I can do anything even with my worries. I feel that I will make it one day. I’m proud if myself because I didn’t think I could live through it but I did and even though sometimes I’m sad , I still feel that I can. I just hope that I make it.